                              How to Have a Happy Marriage

     There are those who would contend that marriage itself is grounds for divorce.  This dim view even seems to be supported by the statistical failure rate which is an astonishing 50%.  Yet it is possible to live together in marriage "till death do us part" and have a rewarding and happy relationship.  I would like to suggest five steps that are necessary to receive from marriage all that God intended.

         1. Accept Jesus Christ as your Savior
         2. Submit Yourself to God's order
         3. Learn effective verbal communication
         4. Commit yourself to the relationship
         5. Develop Your Sexual relationship

                         1 - Accept Jesus Christ as Your Savior
     God must be in the life of both parties. Marriage is an institution designed by God. He cannot be successfully ignored.  When two people enter marriage without God in their lives, they will react to the challenges of marriage in a selfish manner.  This is through no fault of theirs.  It is because they were born sinners and selfish.  Because of this, we want our own way in everything possible.  After accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior, you have the love of God shed abroad in your heart and you can truly love others.  God comes into your life when you pray to him asking him to be your Lord and Savior.  He takes all bitterness, anger and guilt away.  Then you can learn to allow the Holy Spirit to guide your thoughts and actions.  This is a necessary first step to receiving all that God want you to receive from marriage.

                               2 - Submit Yourself to God's Order
     You must conduct yourselves according to God's order in your relationship to each other.  This means submitting yourselves to God, which is opposed to the popular "I did it my way" philosophy.  You may say, "Not me!"  But, if you are doing it your way now and it isn't accomplishing what you want, why don't you try it God's way.  God's way is found in the Bible, He says: The Christian wife is to submit herself to her husband in everything.  The idea of submitting our will to anyone is discouraged and ridiculed by most in the world today.  But remember, if this is something you decide to do, you are doing what you want to do. It is your choice.  The Christian husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, to dwell with his wife according to knowledge, and to love his wife as himself.  The word "love" is so often misused, it needs defining. The "love" we are capable of having after we accept Jesus Christ as our Savior is the type of "love" that caused Him to suffer and die for the sins of all mankind.  It is the type of "love" that caused Him, as he hung on the cross for your sins and mine, to say, "Father forgive them (those who hung him there), they know not what they do."  This is the type of "love" that does what is in the best interest of the one loved, which in marriage is the spouse. When either the husband or the wife fails to relate to the other in this way, they cannot have the best that marriage can provide.

                             3 - Learn Effective Verbal Communication
     Learn effective verbal communication.  Effective verbal communication requires both good speaking and good listening skills.  The six most important aspects of good verbal communication are: listen carefully, a soft answer turns away wrath, tell the truth, believe what you hear, stick to the subject and believe you are on the same side.
     Listen carefully.  One of the most important aspects of verbal communication is listening.  If we respond to a suggestion or comment before the speaker has had the opportunity to fully express the thought, we are extremely rude, and the Bible says we are, foolish.
     A soft answer is an asset.  In a confrontational situation, a soft answer is the one that will cool the situation down and enable you to have effective communication.
     Tell the truth.  Somehow we think it is more love to hide our true feelings from those we don't want to hurt.  However, a relationship built on hidden feelings, hopes or fears is built on shaky ground.  The saying, "Say what you mean and mean what you say," is supported by many Biblical statements.
     Believe what you hear.  If your husband or wife tells you something in a discussion, believe what they say. Nothing is more frustrating, when trying to discuss a subject, than to have the other person hearing what they want to hear or think you are talking about, rather than what you really said. Many times people who have been married for many years don't really know each other because they won't believe what their partner says. In many of these cases, after a few years, one of the partners just gives up and quits trying to communicate.
     Stick to the subject. If you have a tendency to throw in a thought or an unrelated subject while discussing an issue, break the habit.  If you and your spouse are disagreeing over why the electric bill is so high and one of you says, "You don't love me anyway," they are not sticking to the subject.  If you need to talk about whether you really love each other, do it at a different time, for now, just stick to one subject.
     Believe you are on the same side.  It is much easier to resolve differences, make plans, or share disappointments, if you both are committed to the fact that you are on the same side.  If you are both Christians, you are not only on the same side now, you are going to stay there, if your commitment is to obey God's commands for you.


                              4 - Commit Yourself to the Relationship
     Be committed to the relationship.  Many people have entered into marriage thinking they might as well give it a try.  After the first attraction has died and the work of making a happy marriage begins, they want out.  These thoughts are addressed primarily to those who have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior.  If you and your spouse have both accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior, divorce is not an option.  This is another of God's ways that isn't very popular in the world today.  Remember, if you are doing it your way now and it isn't accomplishing what you want, why don't you try it God's way.  God's way is found in the Bible, He says:

¥ If you are a Christian married to another Christian, divorce is not an option.

¥ If you are a Christian married to an unsaved person who wants to stay in the relationship, divorce is not an option.

¥ If you are a Christian married to an unsaved person who wants to leave the relationship, you are not bound to that relationship, you can remarry.  As Christians, there should be unlimited commitment to the relationship.  To facilitate communication, these two points need to be understood and repeated as often as necessary, "I love you" and "divorce or separation is not an option."

                         5 - Develop Your Sexual Relationship
     Develop a mutually comfortable sexual relationship.  Their are Christians that feel the sexual relationship between husband and wife is, in some way, dirty, unwholesome, unhealthy, and should be enjoyed as little as possible, and seldom, if ever, discussed.  There is no basis for these thoughts in the Bible.  The Bible presents the marriage relationship as a sexual relationship. The expression, "become one flesh" is made in reference to the sexual relationship.  The apostle Paul makes it clear that neither the husband nor the wife should fail to provide for the sexual needs of the other.  Solomon instructed his son to rejoice with the wife of his youth and to be "enraptured" with her love and only her love.  The Bible has very specific and complete commands concerning the types of sexual relationship that God says are sin; yet, none of these commands prohibit any type of sexual stimulation within the sexual relationship between a married husband and wife.  God says the husband is to dwell with his wife according to knowledge.  God says the wife is to reverence her husband.  Between a husband and wife, who love each other, and are expressing this love sexually, "any sexual caresses or stimulation that are enjoyable to both and not physically harmful to either, are acceptable to God. " Remember, the most important consideration in love is: "what is in the best interest of the other."

by: Robert A. Grove
(540)371-3047
P.O. Box 7253
Fredericksburg VA 22404

uploaded by: Steve Nearman
e-mail: snearman@aol.com   or   flyfishn@eworld.com
73 Caisson Road
Fredericksburg VA 22405

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